Walking with God isn’t so easy sometimes. You see, God likes to teach me and grow me and stretch me, and to be quite frank, sometimes I get sick of being stretched and grown! Its times like right now where I think God should lay off on the dependency lesson, because I just don’t like it! It has been a frustrating and stressful couple weeks. Some days more so than others. Some days I am better at trusting God than others. Yesterday was not one of them – well, I guess half the day was, but not so much the other half!
You see, Dan went in for a second interview at a job a week and a half ago, on a Tuesday. What he was told in the job interview gave him every indication that he would be getting a job offer by the end of the week. They even told him to watch his email inbox on Friday for a job offer. Friday came with a lot of anticipation and excitement, and then went with disappointment as he didn’t hear from them. He called them and on the next Tuesday he received a call from them – he was told they were still working on bids, that they interviewed two more people with more experience than he has, (though he was told in the interview that they were going to hire a minimum of three people), and that they would let him know by Friday. Well, yesterday came and went and still no word.
I really can’t emotionally handle this scenario again. Last year a company lead him on for six weeks, telling him to call back each week until finally he stopped calling. Part of me is upset at God, after the good interview why did he let me get my hopes up, and start looking around the area at apartments, thinking about living over there, living by my family again? Why did he let my parents get their hopes up of having their daughter closer to them again? Why did he make it look like everything was working out perfectly? Why can’t it just work out nice and easy for once? Why stress me out even more? I was angry at God.
Logically and rationally I know that I can depend on God, he is faithful and trustworthy and I know that he has the best plans for us. Maybe he has a job lined up for Dan that we don’t know about that will be year round full time instead of seasonal full-time? Maybe he still will get this job (though I have my doubts now, and I think I’d be upset at him for letting us hang this long!). Whatever his plans are I know they are good, but it is hard to trust that sometimes. Especially since I told my boss at the fitness center that it looks like we might be moving – so my hours have dropped…I’ve been taken off some things, I haven’t taken on any new clients. In the midst of that, we still have bills to pay, I was making enough to cover them before, now not so much. With my reduced hours at the fitness center, I don’t think that I can. InterVarsity for next year is this big unknown as well – I would like to continue working for InterVarsity – but we don’t know where (and if) Dan is going to get a job, if he gets a job outside this area I would have to interview with the AD in the other area, etc. It’s not only that I would like answers soon, I may as well NEED answers soon. On top of that, our lease is up at the end of April – we can go month to month on our lease, but it will cost us something like $100 extra per month – $100 that if I can barely cover our bills now, we are just not going to have. So I wait and trust.
Part of me thinks – just trust, whatever, it will work out. Then the other part of me freaks out. You would think the Lord would help me retain some sanity and just give us some answers! My InterVarsity supervisor tells me that God must love me a lot to be growing me so much this year. Well, he can stop loving me for a little bit right now! Haha! And if he doesn’t want to give Dan a job for my sake, at least do it for his! He is so much more productive when he has a job, routine and structure. A job provides purpose and drive, without it…let’s just say its not always pretty. I want him to get a job for his sake. (The reduction in my stress levels would only be a bonus!)
On a similar note – it is exhausting looking for and applying for jobs…I spent three or so hours last night (just a drop in the bucket I know) looking for jobs for Dan – and then it took us an hour and a half to fill out one application. They had some fun questions, but seriously?!?
I know other people have had to trust and depend on God in bigger ways, there situations have been more dire (for lack of a better word) than mine (I still have work!!), and God has provided. He has a proven track record, over and over again, not only in the lives of others, but in mine as well. However, that doesn’t always make it easy to trust him! But I do…I trust, depend and wait on him. He’ll come through, he always does.