Why can I only think of things to write at random times when I literally CAN’T write them down…like in the shower, driving down the expressway, or even while leading a meeting? I seriously thing I have written a couple dozen brilliant posts – all of them quite informative, witty or endearing I’m sure – in my head in these moments. And I think to myself…must write that down later. Later comes; I forget.
I’ve been tossing around all sorts of things to write about…things like cloth diapers, living without fear in a world that seems to try to hold us in the bondage of fear (many things fall under this category), being a working momma, gardening, GMOs, why I spent copious amounts of money on food to buy organic, babies, natural products, how I seem to get a bit crunchier everyday, fitness, ministry, etc. However, every time I sit down to actually write I think about the fact that I am not an expert in any of those realms by any means and there are awesome people out there already writing about pretty much all of that (better than I will ever be able to) so I should leave it to them and not even bother. Who am I to offer an opinion on any of it?
Honestly, my own self-doubt, lack of confidence, self-consciousness and fear that keeps me from writing. I know that I have a different audience and networks than everyone else out there. I know I have my own way of saying things (for better or worse) and a perspective to offer. And my struggles, questions and imperfections are different from some, but oh so relevant to others. So I wrestle back and forth – wanting to express myself, but in fear of being perceived as off my rocker at times…passionately caring about issues, but feeling inadequate and under qualified to throw my voice in the ring…wanting to be heard, but afraid no one will listen…wanting to engage in dialogue, but fearful of the nastiness that can come with it on the internet. Can you see why I have been thinking about the topic of life without fear and what that might look like?
I care about a LOT of topics/issues and I read a TON. I feel like I have a good knowledge base on a lot of different topics, but I am not an expert in any…so I hesitate to use my voice…I don’t want to say something incorrect. I like to be right…always. I like to have the answers. If I am afraid that I may not…I don’t engage. I have realized lately that I struggle with fear, self-doubt and insecurity. More than I previously thought and more than I care to admit. I can come off quite strong, confidence, and yes…arrogant/cocky in personal interactions. I try to project it, even if I don’t feel it – and in personal interactions I can even argue/defend my position quite well and with (at least perceived) confidence. I can use my body language, tone, words, and personality to make it seem like I know it all (though I don’t). But in print, you don’t see any of that. My tone, body language, personality is assumed…and we can assume so wrong. I’ve been guilty. I fear that people won’t see my heart, my passion and me…they will project assumption that just aren’t true – and I will be helpless to defend.
In light of all that – it has taken me two and a half weeks to both finish this post and publish it…because I fear y’all will think I am just a stir crazy, if not actually crazy, basket case of a woman! However, if we are to live without fear and to be open…you just have to do it. I am hoping that this is the start of me actually writing…something I love to do, yet don’t do enough of. At least a space to get out some thoughts…and maybe along the way one or two people will actually read it…and if not – I wasted all that energy fearing for nothing 😉