I had a meltdown this morning. Sobbing I texted my hubby to pray for me because I just couldn’t handle my son anymore for the moment. He is a 13 month old ball of uncontainable energy with that utterly defiant, boundary-pushing, toddler streak going on. After a terrible night of almost no sleep after 3am for no legitimately good reason – at least in my mind – he was being a nightmare. I can only take so much food throwing, biting, hitting, hair-pulling and whining. I snapped…and for a not-so-brief moment I wished that he wasn’t my child…that I was simply babysitting him for the morning and pretty soon his mom was going to pull up and happily take him off to anywhere but my house. But alas…he is mine. And he isn’t going anywhere. My wonderful hubby asked if he needed to come home…no…I just need you to pray I replied.
I was not very beautiful in word, thought or deed this morning. I yelled, I fought back…I maybe, probably pulled his hair a little harder than what I normally would do to get him to release mine. Sure, some think that you should never-ever-ever pull their hair back, but let me tell you – when I start to go for his, he lets go. I was feeling like a terrible mom. In one breath I was yelling at my toddler and in the next sobbing telling him that I know I wasn’t being a very good mommy, I wasn’t being nice, but I couldn’t handle him.
I think in these situation when we are at our wits end and desperately praying we don’t completely screw up our kids because of these days it is really easy to feel guilty. Guilty that we aren’t holding it all together. Guilty that we yell when we “know” the mommy we met at the park would never raise her voice. Guilty that we sit in a corner playing a game on the phone for 15 minutes…or 30 while our kid(s) wreck havoc on the house…paying attention only enough to hear them bustle about – at least they are alive. Guilty that we aren’t enjoying every minute because it goes so fast as we have heard five billion times. Guilty because because when they fall off the coffee table that you have told them they couldn’t climb on like a broken record you don’t feel bad…and since the fall didn’t look too bad, you don’t even make a move in that direction.
But you know what? This morning – I felt brave enough to banish the feelings of guilt.
Because NO mommy has it all together. Because EVERY mom curls up in the corner of a room or stays much longer in the bathroom to avoid interacting with their child(ren) at some point. Because every mom makes a disciplinary decision that in hindsight, probably wasn’t the bed. Because every mom wishes that their kid would grow out of some stage…no matter how fast the time actually flies.
So instead of feeling guilty I simply chalked it up to what it was – an awful morning where I was not in the place to handle my kid well. It doesn’t mean I love him any less for wanting to wish him away momentarily. It doesn’t make me an awful mommy. It doesn’t even put me close to taking the title of the worst mom. It means I am a mom. Experiencing the fullness of this mom journey and job. The good, the bad and the downright ugly.
Thankfully today, we caught a break. Instead of the 45 minute naps that he usually likes to take, my little boy has taken TWO blissful…and I mean BLISSFUL hour an a half naps. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does…it’s magical. God knew I needed a little “magic” this day more than most. Either that or he heard the desperate cries of a hubby who didn’t want to come home to a completely frazzled wife. 🙂 I was able to journal, spend some time with Jesus AND work on a craft project I have been making painstaking slow progress on. Should I have done some work…sure…but I did what my soul needed in order to be refreshed and press forward as a better mom and wife!