“You’re gonna miss this // You’re gonna want this back // You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast // These are some good times // So take a good look around // You may not know it know // But you’re gonna miss this”
– Trace Adkins
I love this song. It’s a song that has particularly stuck with me the past fifteen months of my son’s earth-side life. I give myself this gentle reminder during the days I feel like I could pull out my hair while curled in a ball and stuffing my face with ice cream in the closet.
Today he was ready for bed and went to sleep an hour and a half earlier than usual. I nursed him and he started dancing around the room leaving me wondering if he was really ready for bed. A few moments later he turned off his tranquil turtle night light that he usually adores, walked over to me and put his head on my lap. Seconds later he lifted his arms for me to scoop him up. Little mister burrowed into my chest/belly and gnawed on his hand for a good five minutes, soaking my shirt with the endless amount of drool that comes with trying to cut four teeth at once. Soon his little body relaxed, arms around me, and I bumped him higher on my shoulder where he snuggled in and his breathing feel into a soft rhythm blowing against my cheek.
I thought…I have a laundry list of things I could get done with this extra hour and a half of peace in the home without a little one running through it like a tornado…or I could sit here, snuggle and rock…because I can.
Because I am going to miss this.
I am going to with these days hadn’t gone by so fast.
So I rocked. And as I snuggled my little boy I began to reflect.
I love the season of life I am in right now. It may be hard at times, but it is so sweet and beautiful. But I do miss other seasons, just a little…
I miss the late nights of Halo (which I am terrible at, but the guys put up with) until 4am at our Detroit apartment – often several nights a week…only to wake up for a 6am client at the gym and to go back to bed immediately after. I don’t know how I stayed awake enough to train her.
I miss the Thursday night prayer meetings we had in that same apartment, where a half dozen friends would gather and we would record praises for the week and prayers for the coming one. I still have that journal. And still pray for the item we listed first every week that we are still trusting God for.
I miss the hours we would spend at the rock wall on campus – working a route, practicing butt starts, setting routes and becoming pretty decent climbers along the way. Turns out 2-3 hours in the evening a couple times a week (before retiring to the apartment for Halo) really does something…and gave this chick the ability to do a pull up or two.
I miss that season where it seemed we hardly had two dimes to rub together and even put a car into storage for half the year to save on insurance costs since we weren’t really in need of two cars anyway at the time, but we had SO MUCH FUN.
I miss the quirkiness of storing our chest freezer in the spare bedroom closet of the Pontiac apartment…and how maintenance would give me the strangest look because of it.
I miss the ability to walk a couple buildings over to the tennis courts where I learned how to keep a ball INSIDE the fence…I am still a pretty shoddy player, but I was able to practice a lot!
I miss being able to walk across the street to a sub-par grocery store, but a conveniently located grocery store none-the-less instead of having to hop in my car when I need something the 24 hour easy-to-walk to CVS doesn’t have now.
I miss playing the game with my hubby of “who is going run outside to lift the gate” for a friend who was coming to visit us at the apartment on the rare occasion that the gate was actually down…and then getting up the courage to run through it with my car when my card (along with everyone else’s in the complex) wouldn’t work to make it go up in the morning when we tried to leave.
I miss the pick-up games of soccer, largely comprised of international students from around the world…and the world cup viewing parties we would have at apartments or on campus on a laptop.
I miss being able to sleep in until 9:30 on a Sunday morning and then rushing and blaming each other when we were late for church at 10. Shoot, I miss being able to sleep in until 9:30 ANY day…ever. Or being able to sleep through the night without waking once to pee, listen to determine if the cries will stop or just intensify or simply waking for no good reason other than my body is used to it by now.
I miss being able to stay out late (and by late I mean past 8:30) without trying to find a babysitter, because the boy’s bedtime is at 8:30…or heading out with my hubby on a whim because we felt like it or a friend wanted to hang out at 10pm.
But in the middle of missing those amazing memories and moments, I wouldn’t even think about trading the present to go back for them. Because I know I am going to miss these moments. And if I spend too much time wishing for the past or longing for the future I am going to miss making memories today. Hard days are hard days and we all have them…with or without kids, with or without jobs, with or without money and if we stop, we can find beauty in the midst of the tears and chaos. And then we pause…because when we find that beauty, we know that we’ll be able to look back and say “I miss those moments.”
So I rocked and snuggled for a half hour or so – with my drool soaked shirt, son on my chest and baby in my belly kicking at his/her older brother. I smiled and I cherished the moment, because I know I am going to miss this.